Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
