I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
