Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
