you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
