Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
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