i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
