Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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