i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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