your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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