Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
