Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
