I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize