Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
