break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
