Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
