Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
