Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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