fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
