Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
