In America we eat man semen.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
