I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
