mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
