Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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