I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
