so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
