Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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