In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
