Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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