Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
