Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize
