phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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