did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
