i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
