I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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