im having a threesome with these popsicles
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
