Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
