it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
