Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I wish i was in the wii world.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
