Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Still dying that you shit outside
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
