Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
