I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
