sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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