I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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