News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
