I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
