Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
