I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
