my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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