Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
