you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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