So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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