Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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