i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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